apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You may now shotgun with the bride
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
