Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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