I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
