i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
