Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
