This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
