Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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