If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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