I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize