She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Randomize
