it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
