I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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