Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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