just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
