The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
