I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
