I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
