Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
