Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
