my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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