If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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