I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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