Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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