I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
