do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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