I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
