They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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