So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
