Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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