If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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