Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
