i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I lost the right to judge tonight
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
