I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
it glows. i had to have it.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Randomize
