My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
why does every cop we meet know your name?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
