Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
you never un-have a 4some
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
