508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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