I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
