I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
