So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
