Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
