Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
