I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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