then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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