Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
