Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
