I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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