Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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