Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
