He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize