So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
