DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize