Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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