Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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