....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
