Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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