It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
The beer is more important than you right now.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
