If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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